Dear babes and bears,
I know I haven't spoken to you guys in a hot minute so I just wanted to come on here and chat a little bit about how my life has been recently. I usually don't do these diary-style entries so if this is kind of bad bare with me.
I've been in school for a little bit over a month now and everything had been pretty good. So far, this is one of my best academic years yet, I don't have anything below a 96 in all of my classes, so I'm very proud of myself. Honestly, it hasn't been very easy juggling all of this though. I am doing a lot a extracurriculars and it lowkey feels like way too much. I am chronically stress about something and there is always something that needs to be done. Recently I've been trying to put less pressure on myself and relax more, but I'm afraid if I let myself go too much then my grades will have to pay the price for it. Finding the balance between work and life can be so diffucult. I have so many commitments but it's kind of already too late to back out on any of them so I feel obligated to continue with them. I have a club almost everyday during lunch, practice everyday afterschool, and I have to arrive to school extra-early 3 days a week. I'm basically working 7-5 on some days and it's draining so much energy out of me. On top of that, I don't get home untill 6pm on most days, making it feel like the day is dragging on even longer. But that's not all, when you add the homework and studying you are left with pratically no time to enjoy yourself or do anything you like. In fact, as I'm writing this I'm avoiding chemistry work that I have to do. I understand that I could always be more productive, but sometimes a break is genuinely needed. I am not a robot, I cannot keep doing this routine everyday or I will die trying.
The amount of pressure the school system and "studytok" puts on students to get perfect grades, do lots of extracurriculars, and still have a social life is completely unrealistc. I've found that even people who may seem like they have it all really don't. Something is always going to be sacrificed (that thing usually being sleep/mental health). It is so incredibly draining trying to be postitive every single day, I try my hardest to make the most out of what I have. I've really been channelling in my milennial optimism this past month. What's worked for me so far is to really soak in and cherish the very little "me time" that I have. Showers, meals, getting ready, running--I make sure to stay present in those little moments because right now it is the only thing keeping me sane. Every break that I can catch I always try to make the most of it because I never know how close the next one will be.
Now, I'm not saying I hate what I do, I love school and I love all of the activites that I do, but I am admitting I have a problem. Whenever I run a race, I always go out wayy to fast and I can never maintain that pace for the whole race. It's the same situation but with school and extracurriculars. I put too much pressure on myself in the beginning to meet all the deadlines I have created for myself and I even though I get the results, I feel burntout afterwards. My current situation is not very sustainable. It's hard to put less pressure on myself because I expect so much of me. I try my hardest in everything that I do but the truth is not everything is worth my time and effort, and some things don't need to be perfect either. Slowly but surely, I am starting to realize that if I actually want to enjoy myself, I need to put my time and effort into thing that truely benefit and count towards me. Not everything needs to be perfect or 100%, sometimes it just needs to be done.
P.S. I swear the only thing keeping me going these days is Olivia Rodrigo's new album. I've been listening to Expectations and Drop Dead on repeat. Feeling sm FOMO bc I'm not at Daisy Chain 😔
xoxo,
Maria
